What price comfort? What price comfort for the HSP? Comfort at any price? I wrote a bit about comfort last February, following chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy. An uncomfortable period indeed.
Since we notice more than most and process things so deeply, the discomfort of overwhelm is mightily familiar for a highly sensitive person. A desire to escape that frazzled feeling and hide in cosy comfort is hugely tempting. And indeed, downtime to reset and recharge is essential for HSP wellbeing and health. But chronic retreat comes at a hefty price also: Life passes you by … Your dreams go unfulfilled and the world never knows what delights you bring.
So, how do you navigate a highly sensitive nervous system that’s easily overstimulated and needs plenty of rest – and still challenge yourself, engage, expand and grow? How can you balance engagement and self-preservation; nudge yourself forward and self-nurture? How can you find and sustain your ideal sweet spots?
My Top 10 Tips
Numero Uno, Ditch the Judgement. It’s so easy to beat yourself up. To internalise all the criticisms you’ve ever heard; for being different, too sensitive, too fussy etc. etc. yada, yada, yada.
My guess is you end up feeling worse and even more inclined to hide. The wings of your hopes and dreams remain clipped and cannot fly. The gifts you have to give remain unopened,, unexplored, never shared.
So, Step 1
Drop the judgement and Accept WHO you are, HOW you are and where you are. From this calm, serene space you give yourself the best chance to map out your individual HSP landscape.
Step 2
Identify what you want to achieve, what will help you to get there and the challenges and obstacles you expect to meet on your way. Include your particular needs as an HSP. Which leads neatly to …
Step 3
Mark out your boundaries; your non-negotiable lines in the sand that form part of your self-care; your areas of flex – the ‘negotiables’ – and your sweet-spots of engagement – your unique ideal balance between participation/engagement and downtime to recharge.
Step 4a
Identify your gifts. Beyond accepting who you are, what does your unique palette of temperament, skills, aptitudes and life experiences bring to the table? What do you bring that others want? You might it hard to identify and articulate what you bring. But persevere because bring something valuable and highly prized you most certainly do ….
Step #4b
Communicate your gifts to your nearest and dearest and the wider world. The benefits are at least two-fold.
Firstly it nurtures the HSP need to do something meaningful. Secondly, it can gain you leverage to ask for what you want, negotiate and get your needs met. When others can see clearly the value and benefits you bring to them, they understand that meeting your needs also helps to meet their own… Win-Win!
Thirdly, reminding yourself and others of your value increases your confidence and changes how you show up in the world and are perceived – and thus what’s likely to open up for you. Virtuous circle instead of downward spiral …
Step #5
Remember every highly sensitive person is unique. As much as HSPs share experiences in common, we are as diverse as any other community. One HSPs precious alone time might be another’s lonely cavern of boredom. The blend of our natural temperament and early home-life creates a unique cocktail that impacts on how we experience life in adulthood. You may have enjoyed a nurturing and supportive childhood that’s given you advantages you’re barely aware of; you made have endured sadness and trauma that still has a painful legacy. So, what is to be done?
Research on differential susceptibility shows that HSPs benefit especially well from supportive environments and can suffer especially badly from traumatic experiences and difficult childhoods. Vantage sensitivity, meanwhile, means that troubled HSPs benefit especially well from appropriate support. Early damage can be worked through and overcome. Do your best to learn and do what you can and seek the best appropriate support that you can.
And remember, if you read or hear something about HSPs that doesn’t resonate with your experience, acknowledge that it can be true for some and not true for you. We are people, not clones. A sweeping statement doesn’t have to ring true for you. And if something is true for you, it doesn’t have to be true for all other HSPs.
Step #6
Self-Care & Get enough sleep! In the crazy, full on world many inhabit, sleep is often sacrificed. The multiple pressures that can come with jobs, businesses, finances, families, friends and animals to look after can make self-care and sleep seem like impossible dreams. But to thrive, not merely survive, an HSP has to make space for some kind of self-care regime and sufficient sleep (often more sleep than is the cultural norm).
I find I need 8 to 9 hours on average and occasionally need more. If necessary, I can get by on the odd shortfall and 6 or 7 hours will suffice, so long as it’s a temporary situation. I cannot sustain being chronically sleep-deprived.
When opportunities for self-care and sleep seem in short supply, take your cue from in-flight safety instructions – they remind you that if the oxygen masks drop down to fit your own before attempting to fit one on your child. You have to be conscious if you want to help anyone else. So it is with an HSP and sleep and self-care. You have to set boundaries and take care of YOU before you can give of your best to the world.
You have to set boundaries and take care of YOU before you can give your best to the world
What nourishes you? What restores you? Do you like yoga and meditation? Do you like expressive dance … art, music … singing … writing … walking … being in nature? Dig, explore and do whatever works for you to help you to recharge, re-calibrate, regain your equilibrium and sustain emotional regulation.
If you are sensitive to noise, as many HSPs are, ask yourself are you affected in some loud situations more than others? What bothers you more? What bothers you less? Are you in a position to use earplugs or noise cancelling headphones?
Compare how you’re affected by noise when you have control of the “off” switch and when you don’t – notice any difference in your emotional experience when you feel you’re free and “at choice” over volume and duration of noisy disturbance.
Step #7
Do what you can to get into nature and simply BE. Some HSPs prefer to live in the countryside, others are quite happy in the city. Either way, being in nature is a great source of nurture for the HSP. Not all of us are able to keep a pet or, necessarily, even wish to. But do take and make opportunities to be out in nature, commune with the natural world. It’s a fabulous tonic for the highly sensitive soul.
Whether you’re an introverted, extroverted or high sensation seeking HSP, grounding yourself in connection to the earth fires up the feel-good. Luxuriate in the solidity, the safe holding warmth, the connection to life-force energy and twinkling spark of creativity. Let go for a while a simply be …
Step #8
Ask for what you want. It’s okay to do that! Your needs and wants are as valid and important as the next person’s. You may need to dig and explore to get really clear on what you need in general. And, in any particular moment it might be crystal clear what you need or want right then.
And remember, when your gifts are seen and shared, you raise the chances of having your needs met without a fight.
Step #9
Be prepared for when you don’t get what you ask for. Sometimes your needs might be in conflict or “competition” with another’s. So have self-care practices in place for when you’re unable to get your needs met (or met right away) and you’re feeling stressed out. But remember it IS okay to ask. In fact it’s more than okay, it’s essential. Otherwise, how else would they know?
Expecting others to read your mind? Waste of time. Remember, not everyone’s an empath – and even an empath might feel your energy, but cannot read your mind … If you want or need something, it’s essential to articulate and communicate it out loud … We have to ask!
Step #10
Get the support you need. The road to Living more comfortably as an HSP most likely has a few bumps. Some discomfort is inevitable. Your opportunity, should you choose to accept it, is to learn to mange and moderate discomfort – rather than pay the price of simply avoiding it. I believe it is possible for the highly sensitive and the more neuro-typical to appreciate each other and live in harmony. The route to living more comfortably starts right here.
“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.”
Lucille Ball
Reframing past experiences in an HSP aware context builds great foundations for the art of self-acceptance – and great entry points for discussions about high sensitivity with loved ones, colleagues and friends.
There is a wealth of books, blogs, articles, podcasts, TED talks, social media and Meetup groups now about sensory processing sensitivity and the highly sensitive person. A broad choice of access points to learning more about the HSP trait to educate yourself and those around you. Be discerning, hold solid boundaries and filters around what you encounter, and you should be safe.
To go deeper you’ll get further with the help of a coach (or therapist, if needed) who understands and truly “gets” you as an HSP.
If you’re a highly sensitive person, we can explore and define your unique needs, gifts, boundaries and areas of flex. We’ll map out those non-negotiable lines in the sand and the opportunities for expansion and growth. We’ll identify your sweet-spots of balance between engaging in the world and downtime and alone-time recharge. All helping you navigate your way through a still largely non-HSP world, share you gifts though something meaningful and ask for what you need to live more comfortably.
If you’re in relationship with a highly sensitive person, be it at home, in friendship or at work – and whether you’re neuro-typical or highly sensitive yourself, we can deepen your understanding and appreciation of what it’s like to live as an HSP in a world that frequently overstimulates and overwhelms. And you get to ask for what you want and need also. If a highly sensitive person in your life can’t meet your needs without harm to themselves, you can uncover how each of your needs can be met differently.
For anyone, some discomfort is inevitable. For an HSP even more so. You might choose to avoid it at all costs. You might choose to work through it en route to living a more fruitful, comfortable life and towards HSPs and “neuro-Ts” living in harmony.
If this speaks to you and you’d like to speak with me, be in touch. If you sense this may speak to someone you know and love, feel free to share and point them this way.
With love and sensitivity, Happy and Harmonious 2020!
Annie